points of interest

1. i saw a co-worker outside smoking cigarettes and his wrist was wrapped as if broken and he was wearing a plastic bag on his head. shit seemed like it meant sense to him, so i didn't argue.

2. there is a man who works somewhere in my building named doctor yo ho. this was confirmed when a man who i think is named mitch told everyone "dr. yo ho can't be in two places at the same time." no fucking way, mitch. dr. yo ho doesn't own a body duplicating teleportation device? i find this pretty goddam hard to believe.

something i hadn't yet put together

i was listening to a sales call today, and it basically made my brain so surprised that it came all the way out of my head. in the form of a geometric proof, it would look something like this.

theorem: the internet is magic (this is actually true. the internet is magic. it is also a mercury-laced baseball that travels at the speed of sound. bet this.)

theorem: mcdonald's is the internet (also true. i was there earlier)

conclusion: mcdonald's is a magic educational internet portal.

if i were lying, i would tell you, but i'm not lying. i actually heard old eli salesman tell someone that if they signed on with him they could take part in "magical education" at "mickey d's." these are direct quotes. i ran outside and died and then came back to life and then laughed. it was nuts.

also, this dude quoted finding nemo earlier, so we know he can be trusted. i thought for a second he was prank calling retarded people, but then i realized a lot of people around here quote austin powers and austin powers 2, so all bets are off. bleak, huh?

"she thinks it's a pogo stick"

apparently, by some unimaginable stroke of idiocy, some girl at my office looked at something and wasn't sure if it was a pogo stick or not. i mean, did it have two little pegs to rest your feet on? was it slender and a bit taller than waist high? did it look like it could fucking bounce? if you answered 'no' to any of those questions, then it probably wasn't a goddamn pogo stick. problem solved.

also, it looks like the woman with the (very) ill-advised perm is getting married. this gave me a little bit of a start because i would've bet the farm that she was into women. go figure.

jeans day!

first off, i'd like to apologize for something. yesterday, pelt had an allergy attack and i forgot to tell you about it. i know, dick move. anyways, she's fine now (it would appear) and hungry for some chocolate covered popcorn (not joking). also, she informed us that one upside to an otherwise crippling allergy attack is that her lips swell, "which is sexy." uh, thank you, grace, i think you're wrong.

also, since i spend so much time complaining about stuff here, i thought i'd tell you about a couple things i love:

1) today i got to write the sentence "a number of important details were obscured by the cartoon penguin logo printed at the top of each page of the document." what kills me about this, is that whoever made the decision to print this penguin on the document was probably working on the assumption that it would lend credibility to both this and future exchanges of information. this is what i like to call an "incorrect" or "delusional" assumption. i mean, look, i'm not going to pretend to be professional, but i know, FOR A FACT, that cartoon characters should not be printed on any official document. i might be going out on a limb here, but i don't think warren buffett ever says "hey team, i was thinking of starting this powerpoint presentation with a couple sweet drawings i did of the tazmanian devil. is everyone on board with this?"

2) there is a lightswitch in the building for which someone made "on" and "off" labels. they are affixed, respectively, above the lightswitch when it is in its upward position and below the lightswitch when it is in its downward position. could this be the most unnecessary explanation of an intuitive concept EVER? i'm guessing yes. although i do have a sign inside my refrigerator that says "the refrigerator is open" and a sign on the outside which says "the refrigerator is not open." you know, just in case i forget what open looks like.

you've got flow!

i just overheard someone saying to a client, "don't be afraid of me, girl," and it got me to wondering: is this the first time in history that someone confused the lessons of "phone etiquette" training with the lessons of "how to sound like you rape" training? i'd have to guess probably.

important lessons

i don't mean to get all that guy who hosts project runway on y'all, but there are a couple outfits i've noticed recently that warrant mentioning. take this as a form of warning, because trust me, if you wake up and accidentally dress yourself in the following ways, you'll end up wanting to cry and/or vomit-cry by the end of the day.

1) sailors and whores are not the same thing: if you want to dress up like a sailor, fucking go for it. me, i choose not to. i think it looks stupid and i also think halloween is sacred. that said, if you're the kind of person that likes to dress like a sailor and then go to work, DO NOT paint your face like a goddamn limited edition raggedy anne streetwalker doll. why? because a) you'll look like a dicktard and b) people won't know whether to proposition you or give you some vitamins to ward off scurvy, and people don't like to be confused in this way.

2) weaponry and clothes are not the same things: when you shred up kimonos and then shred up throwing stars and then fuse them into a blouse, it means you're wearing the equivalent of an offensive 7th grade social studies project. this is a problem.

leprechaun 814: in the office

once, a friend of mine sent me this really funny picture of warwick davis in a purple lady's business suit. until today, i had forgotten about that picture and how happy it made me. what made me remember? oh, i don't know. maybe it was the lady in my office who's a DEAD FUCKING RINGER for willow. i mean, it was incredible. i damn near took off my shoes and started rolling around on the floor giggling. i wish my blog had eyes, so you could see for yourself. i feel like at some point i'm going to have to ask her, "has anyone ever told you that you look exactly like that little guy from the leprechaun movies." if she responds in an irish accent, i just might die.

outfit of the day goes to the gutsy woman whose interpretation of "professional attire" is "long sleeved harley davidson t-shirt." she'll be having an unpleasant conversation with HR before the sun sets. that i can promise you.

also, what's the opposite of "meeting of the minds"? i ask only because i just witnessed it outside. five of the ninniest ninnies i've ever been in proximity to were having a discussion about how to rise up in the ranks at this company and they used the term "GAR walks." i've got one tip for how not to get a promotion: keep on using fucking made-up words like "GAR walks."

rat dog loves sayer's cock

pelt and 227 do this really neat thing where, if one has a story, the other one will come over to where i sit, give a brief introduction and then then the actual storyteller will get down to business. today, pelt's introduction went a little like this. actually, no, it went exactly like this: "they're chocholate brown, and they take it all the way off." you guessed it, 227's going to the strip club tonight. not just any strip club but a former biker bar to see a touring troupe of black strippers. holy fucking shit, is she excited. i figure she'll knock off work a little early to do her hair. she also suggested (read: threatened) that she might bring in pictures, to which everyone within earshot responded with stunned silence. don't think the strippers would appreciate 227 bringing the old disposable kodak for some candids, but who knows. i'm not a stripper and thus can't say for certain.

this whole disaster of a conversation was juxtaposed with pelt coming over and showing off how big her hands are. seriously, they're fucking bear paws. thinking about this and then hearing the quiver in her voice when she talked about naked cock made me spit up a little bit. i'll tell you what, y'all. weird shit happens on jeans day. people get all loose lips sink ships up in this piece.

shocking!

well, here's a convincing argument that youtube is for pussies: "my son loves america's funniest home videos. he just howls at the television for the whole hour." really, america's funniest home videos still fucking exists!?! color me shocked. does bob saget still host it or did he pass the torch to uncle joey? second of all, who knew that a human could birth a retarded werewolf? now that's a wonder of wonders.

the other big news for the day is that, apparently, pelt's mother's house is covered in post-it notes. that's like surprise level negative nine. you could tell me pelt was raised by a family of popsicle sticks and i wouldn't even blink.

outfit of the day goes to the lady who was wearing st. patrick's day.

dog bites fruit

well, dog the karaoke hunter just went out-and-out autistic on the cafe area. dude cold stood in the middle of the room holding up a blender saying "you want blueberry, well, i got cherry." he repeated it about 3 to 14 times, so i'm assuming shit was serious. also, i noticed recently that when thomas kincaid lets him dress himself, dog goes black on black on black. true statement maker, that guy. i think it's time one of my female readers takes one for the team and goes on a date with him. i feel like we gotta figure out a) how many vin diesel posters he owns and b) whether he hangs all of them up at once or rotates them museum-style. my guess is b. if you're sophisticated enough to wear gold hoop earrings, you're sophisticated enough to know that two or three posters of XXX, scattered delicately around the house, more than suffices.

no deserving outfit winners today, unfortunately. there was one lady who looked like the set-up to a joke whose punchline is "a skunk wearing fingernail polish" but that's actually not too out of the ordinary around these parts.

this just in!

my man on the street just unearthed this nice little piece of dialogue.

pelt: are you a backwards person?
227: i'm not a backwords person. i can't see...i mean, you don't read backwards.

honestly, i'm not really sure what to make of this. i guess there's a chance that pelt and 227 exist in a different time-space continuum where this kind of shit makes perfect sense, but that seems like a bit of a stretch. they've probably just developed a super advanced code like the goddamn baby-sitters club or something. next thing we know pelt will be hiding nestle cruch bars in her artifact phone.

regardless, nice piece of reporting, c.t.

revelations

first let's get to the facts. fact: 227 composite girl loves (not likes, loves) cheese fries. fact: i'm pretty sure everyone had already gone ahead and assumed this to be true. still, it was nice to finally close the case on that one. what struck me as odd about her decision to walk into the room and declare this was that she followed it up by saying "i know what you mean" despite the fact that no one in her general vicinity responded to her. then i looked up and she was gone. i feel that the only viable conclusions to be drawn from this are a) 227 is a ghost; b) 227 is a schizophrenic. either way, we've got a mystery on our hands!

outfit of the day goes to either the lady wearing a dress that had a print which i would call "confused zebra" or the lady wearing a shirt that looked like a gas station logo with boobs. tough decision so i guess we'll just have to call this one a tie.

accessory of the day goes to the lady who put a popple right on her cubicle wall. a duck popple to be exact. not much to say about that one except: really?

outfit of the day 4/28

kind of a boring day up in here. feels like american idol might've been cancelled and everybody is figuring out what the fuck they're gonna talk about now. i tried everything: stood in the lunchline, did a full loop around the office. nothing. that said, the guy who wears sunglasses inside just moved to a desk close to mine, so i can't imagine this well will be dry for too long.

outfit of the day goes to the lady with dyed magenta hair and a hunter green dracula-style cape. this didn't strike me as odd until i remembered that i did not, in fact, teach 9th grade at a performing arts high school.

accessory of the day goes to pelt lady, who has a phone headset that just might be a warp zone to 1982. i think she stole it from a very complex pair of sneakers.

outfit of the day

well, up until about 1:45 it looked like the guy who was wearing the enormous high tops that probably would've kept him grounded in a zero gravity chamber was going to take home the title. i've seen the dude before, and he's got a pretty normal gait, but those shoes made him walk like somebody just kicked the shit out of his feet.

anyhow, the winner of today's outfit award goes to the guy who somehow found every pair of shorts i owned in the sixth grade, cut them up and then made a shirt out of them. he looked like a human mandala. he was also smugly puffing away on a cigar, which certainly didn't hurt.

also, to the people who run the march of dimes raffle: i'm really sorry i keep on stealing your pens. i honestly don't mean to. it just kind of happens. also, to the girl who was wearing the genie outfit yesterday: i'm really sorry you didn't win outfit of the day; you probably deserved it, but i just saw you too late. also, to the guy who told me i had "perfect hackey-sacking shoes": you're a douche.

a tale of two cubicle decorations

one day, someone had a conversation in their head that went like this: "hmmm. i think today i'll finally get around to that lifesize drawing of robin williams' face that i've been meaning to do for so long." i know this to be true because, much to my surprise, i was just eyeball-to-eyeball with goddamn none other than the man who brought us mrs. doubtfire. it was actually a pretty decent rendering. looked like the artist used some kind of soft lead pencil for the job. probably the right choice. it was, however, laminated which kind of threw me for a loop. i would think that victories such as this one would be framed. or, more specifically, framed and hanging on a museum wall.

less impressive (though equally jarring) was the dickhead who photoshopped his face and his friend's face onto the bodies of two members of the boo-yaa t.r.i.b.e. question: at what point in your life is it okay to photoshop your face onto a picture of the boo-yaa t.r.i.b.e. answer: never.

outfit of the day

i'm going to try and make this a daily thing, because the people i work with have the fashion sense of a blind magician. award handed out at around two pm. get tickled, y'all!

today's winner:

when i went out to get lunch, i saw dog the bounty hunter + karaoke dj click-clacking around town in a fucking finger painting of an outfit. shut your eyes and imagine this: orange leather dress shoes, baggy cream colored clown pants and what could only be described as the one button-up shirt that the zubaz company ever manufactured. failed business experiment for zubaz=sartorial victory for dog. he had his hair pulled back in a tight little ponytail too. dude looked right as rain. i must admit though, if the lady who looked like dracula wearing a civil war quilt worked at my office, she might have given dog a run for his money.

(disclaimer: i am wearing a shirt that looks like easter colored vomit, so, you know, stones, glass houses, etc.)

on an unrelated note, pelt lady keeps up with what's hip in the world of floral arrangement. didn't see that one coming. apparently it's clear vases with stones in them. i'll find out what trade magazines she reads and get back to you on that.

disaster averted!

i was just outside and the savage almost came and talked to me. this would've easily shot to the top of my "worst things that happened to me today" list, but, oddly, he decided against sharing whatever useless information was tooling around in his brain piece with me. he walks like a confident hunchback, which really gives me the willies. once he recommended a tv show on paranormal activity to me. i actually tried watching it, but, as i suspected, it was unwatchable.

narcotized pelt lady had a visitor earlier today, which is always exciting. at some point in the conversation the visitor proclaimed "i'm pretty anal about a lot of things," which really cracked me up. i'd like to think that this was a stark confession of the visitor's sexual tendencies and that pelt was either a) totally unphased by it or b) too busy cooking up new and creative ways to get back at her ex-husband to pay it any mind. i'm about 135% confident that i could tell her that i'm pretty into jungle cat-on-girl videos and she would respond with a blank stare and an alimony update.

April 23, 2008

Daily Observations:



1) huge news: the girl who looks like a composite of every female character from 227 won lunch at an "extravagant" downtown restaurant. i put extravagant in quotes because this is the description according to the narcotized pelt lady who will be her lunchmate. i do not trust pelt lady's assessment of anything, restaurants especially. once she told all of us to never ask her for help of any kind. i obliged.

anyways, their friendship is an interesting one in which nothing of substance is ever exchanged, so lunch was probably delightful.

2) when i was outside, a guy who looked like a mashup of dog the bounty hunter and a karaoke dj walked by. i told myself, "surely, he doesn't work here." i was wrong.